L Long has the world puzzled over why the US ruler is so determined to attend to the northern realms, to Canada and Greenland in particular. In this cold, it was long believed that the cute little presidential fingers, which had just lusted after warm pussies, would freeze.
The North as protection from the evil Ivan? A pretext. The less-bright Europeans snub, all these losers of existence? Merely as an aside. Mineral resources? Far too hard to mine, even though rare earths there are common earths.
By now it’s no secret why Trump is so keen on Canada and especially on this one-of-a-kind ice land Greenland. It is, naturally, about golf for the man with the golden hue. That Greenland is called American Greenland should have been a hint.
High up in the Canadian Northern Territories, the peace-loving bomb-terrorist plans to build a second Mar-a-Lago, a giant Ice-a-Largo, fashioned in igloo form with stacked ice blocks, gilded. The Lego company in Danish Billund has already confirmed first large orders. The batches will undoubtedly cross the pond duty-free. Planned is a terrain with a minimum of five times 18 holes, and the greens, wow, are worldwide unique whites.
Golf is Gold
Even more important, Greenland: There, the planned Golden Dome, as the latest “Fairway Files” reveal, is not meant to protect against fast-flying objects from Moscow, but to serve as a bold dome roof for the planet’s largest indoor golf facility. For Trump, everything is gold, everything is golf and everything is big. So the dome against that silly snowfall, which exists despite this invented climate catastrophe, is to be built.
The historian in Trump knows that, in the late 1990s, in Uummannaq on the Greenland’s western, America-facing side, there were several Ice Golf World Championships. Driving, pitching and putting on the frozen North Sea. And tragically: His Majesty from the White House was not there. Golf history, a dramatic omission.
This is something to change, until he becomes world champion, which thanks to his cheating skills should succeed at the premiere. Club champion in his Florida? 38 times, as Trump himself says. Playing a fifty-something round with US golf hulks Bryson DeChambeau, the GröGoaZ has already done that. It was even captured on film, and anyone who ignored the cuts could believe it.
Shortly before his re-election, the master prophesied that he would bridge the deep gulf between the long-established US golf tour and the oil-billionaire-pampered Saudi LIV “within 15 minutes.” That has not gone quite as planned even after 15 months, to put it mildly.
So there will be, when two fight so venomously, a billion-dollar tour in the Northern Hemisphere. Trophy: The Golden Pineapple, Trump-sized and in solid gold. Gold-plated clubs are already available for a few thousand euros. The plans hold benefits for Germany as well: tariffs are lifted for Ferrero Goldnuss cookies, Haribo Gold Bears and Goldwell hair care (which the Emperor has secretly used for a long time).
Other German manufacturers respond with preemptive solidarity: Kupferberg Gold will be refilled and the Ado-Gardine with the gold edge re-sewn, in baroque-weight presidential edition. Golden agers know all this well.
Political observers long refused to believe what lay behind the manic northern-country mission. Yet, what would you not attribute to a senile egomaniac? And if Greenland soon hosts Golf-Olympics, the petty concerns of the past months will be long forgotten.
